Pieces of Christmas Past

(This is NOT a family photo.)There's no other time of the year like the holidays for eliciting memories of years past. Here are a few of the memories I've had rumbling around in my mind the last few weeks. Some may make sense -- especially if you're family and know what the heck I'm recalling -- and some are just snippets that don't tell the whole story ... and may not even be what really happened. But they're what I remember, what have been bogging down my brain.

Once upon a time, while living in a big, old, supposedly haunted farm house, my older brother -- who was probably a pre-teen at the time -- recorded a wake-up call for Mom and Dad to remind them to play Santa for his six younger siblings. I only recall "You put the lime in the coconut ..." being part of the recording he set to go off for them.

One year, also while living on the farm, my Christmas gifts included a doll-making kit, in which wires were placed in the doll form, then a goopy plastic gunk made from a powder included in the kit, was poured into the mold. Once dry, bendable rubbery dolls would come out of the form, ready for dressing with very cool, very mod, sticker outfits included in the kit. My dolls never worked. There never seemed to be enough goop added to create a fully formed doll, capable of wearing those nifty outfits. It took me until I was an adult -- and helping one of the girls with one toy or another -- to realize that the reason those dolls never worked was because I read the directions on those little packets of powder as "Do not use entirely" when what they really said was "Do not use internally."

A silver aluminum tree with red balls and continually changing colors.

Christmas gifts sent from faraway Aunt Jane were opened by us three big kids while Mom was at work ... then wrapped back up so Mom would never know. My gift was a denim doll, which I named "Jean." It was very difficult getting through the days between our illegal unwrapping and Christmas morning, knowing Jean was likely having difficulty breathing in her box covered with gift wrap.

Loving the Chipmunks Christmas years and years before it became overplayed and an idiotic movie (which I've not seen). Same goes for How the Grinch Stole Christmas.

Grandma on my dad's side gave me a strawberry necklace -- a glass strawberry-shaped bottle filled with the sweetest, stawberryest perfume ever, that hung from a gold chain around my neck. I saved the bottle just for inhaling the remaining scent long after the perfume was gone.

Mom and my older brother jingled bells and stifled giggles as they pranced around the house pretending to be Santa. My sister and I stifled our own giggles as we lay in bed listening to them.

Eggnog that never got drank.

Punch with floating mounds of sherbet at Aunt Terry's.

Christmas ornaments made of egg cartons that hung in the pass-through between the kitchen and the family room in the house we lived in at the time I was born. While watching "The Birds," the ornaments swayed and fell and scared the hell out of the little kids watching a movie they probably shouldn't have.

The first Christmas picture Jim and I have together was taken by Jim holding the Polaroid camera out and snapping us in front of the tree he'd nabbed from the elementary school after it had been thrown in the dumpster at the end of their Christmas parties. The baby in my womb at the time -- unbeknownst to both of us! -- is the woman who decorated my house this year because I couldn't find the time or motivation to do it.

The following Christmas, we were a young married couple with a tiny baby girl, too poor to buy any Christmas gifts. But we'd ordered a set of encyclopedias the month before -- as all naive newlyweds did back then! -- and as the boxes came in the mail with pieces of the set, I wrapped them unopened and placed them under the tree so we'd have something to open on Christmas morning. I did splurge, though, on a $5 "porcelain" doll for baby Brianna to open.

Crying in the shower every Christmas morning for the first 15 or so years of marriage -- not because I gave or received crappy gifts or was unhappy, but because I felt so blessed to have a normal family, a normal life, with Jim and the girls in the other room, picking up wrapping paper, cranking the Christmas carols, someone crying that a piece to their favorite toy was already gone, and Christmas breakfast pizza baking in the oven, ready to enjoy once my crying shower was done.

Being thrilled to death that Lionel Playworld was going out of business because the clearance sale allowed me to buy gifts for the girls I would never have been able to afford otherwise. THAT turned my frown upside down!

The Conway Twitty and "Twitty Bird" Christmas record (vinyl!) that Brianna and Megan listened to and danced to over and over as I lay on the couch with incredible morning, afternoon and evening sickness while pregnant with Andie. Every year after, I got nauseous just hearing that record and later hid it so no one would play it ever again. Years later, Jim was pretty excited to give me the gift of the Twitty Bird COMPACT DISC so we could relive the special times we had listening to it when the girls were little! Ugh! I did tell him, soon after, how much I absolutely hate that CD. We don't listen to it anymore because 25 years later, it still makes me want to puke. Nothing against Conway or anything ....

Attending candlelight services each and every Christmas Eve ... except one. The girls were sick and very tired after a raucous Christmas Eve at Aunt Debbie's, so we decided not to go to service. As we drove past the church on our way home from Debbie's, one of the girls piped up from the darkened backseat where they all slept, saying "Can't we just pop in for the candles?"

Today's question NOT from "The Christmas Conversation Piece":

What Christmas memory takes up the biggest amount of space in your brain this time of year?

The next Grilled Grandma

Nina with her precious 6-month-old granddaughter, dressed to the nines in an outfit made just for her by Grandma.Next up for a grilling is Grandma Nina, the second grandma named Nina that I've met since blogging, and the second Grandma Nina to be featured here.

This week's Nina is the epitome of grandma ... except she's got to be THE most chic grandma I've ever met. She's also one of the most hip grandmas, as her grandkids call her and her husband by their first names -- a perfect solution to the "What should they call me?" question, of which I'm still grappling.

Get to know Nina by reading her grilling HERE.

And be sure to send me the names and e-mail address of any grandmas you think would be open to grilling, and I'll add them to the list.

Today's question from "The Christmas Conversation Piece":

What particular holiday food do you enjoy the most?

My answer: The cake I make for Christmas morning breakfast. It's not so much the cake that I love -- although it's pretty darn good (layers of pound cake with berries and cream cheese filling) -- but the 25+-year tradition that goes along with it. We sing "Happy Birthday" to Jesus, something we started when the girls were itsy-bitsy and we wanted them to keep in mind the reason for the season. Even though we're all adults now, we still sing it every Christmas morning before digging into the cake.

Dog days of winter

Day 10. Jim and I are officially at Day 10 of trying to make the adoption of our granddoggy work. We committed to 30 days before throwing in the towel. We're a third of the way through.

And let me tell ya: It's been hell.

Here's the story: Back in October, I introduced you all to my newest granddog, Lyla. Andrea had adopted her -- against my advice, I must add -- from the Dumb Friends League. Lyla's a sweet little girl, a black lab with what the vet thinks is a smidgen of pit bull. Which is okay with us. Our Mickey is a pit bull we rescued and love to pieces.

But a lab/pit bull living in an apartment is not okay ... with any of us ... especially Andrea, who came home to disasters nearly every day after work.

So when Andie couldn't take it any more, Jim and I offered to take in our granddoggy, to give her a home with a yard where she can run and play and expend the copious amounts of energy with which she's been blessed. We'd been considering adopting a dog in the near future anyway to give Mickey a buddy when Hunter moves away with Brianna, so giving Lyla a new home was a good idea for all of us.

Except that she's a maniac. When she came to live with us on December 5 (not that I'm counting the days or anything), she had "submissive urination" problems. And she wanted so badly to be loved -- she'd been a stray before Andie adopted her -- that she constantly jumped all over everyone in hopes of getting a pat on the head or a tummy rub.

In the past 10 days, we've cured her of both those issues ... pretty much.

What we've not yet cured her of is her obsession with chewing. Anything. And everything.

In the past 10 days, Lyla has ruined:

  • FOUR dog beds (three of them brand-new, three of which I've managed to sew back together)
  • a volleyball
  • one of my shoes
  • a Christmas pillow, handmade by my dad's wife
  • a Christmas mouse doorstopper thingee, handmade by a now-ex girlfriend of my brother's (not an ex because of Lyla; she became an ex a few years ago)
  • the basket that holds the dog's chew toys -- which she obviously found more enticing than the toys

We've never owned a dog with a major chewing problem. And it sucks.

But, that's not the worst of it. The worst of it is my stupid cat Isabel. She's a big ol' chicken, and now that there's a maniac dog confined to the downstairs -- as it's been too cold for the dogs to be outside all day -- Isabel is scared to go down there.

And down there is where her litter box is.

So she's made the two bathrooms on the main and upper floors her personal potty place.

Which is disgusting and stinky and frustrating as hell. Yeah, at least she's using the bathroom, but it's not HER bathroom. And I hate, hate, hate the smell of cats and cat pee and cat yuck, and have worked very hard at keeping the cat smells at bay while owning two cats.

So I'm washing rugs and scrubbing floors and spraying Lysol to a degree I've not had to do in years, if ever. And I've carried Isabel down the stairs, against her will, to the litter box several times, to let her know it's okay, she can make it -- without being eaten by a maniac dog.

Then I shut the bathroom doors to keep her out of them, feeling pretty safe in the fact that my trips carrying her down the stairs taught her how to sneak to her own potty on her own, without being noticed by the dogs.

This morning I took Jim to work, praying -- literally -- the whole way that Lyla will not chew up the beds in the dog room while I'm away. I get home, dash through the door, run to the dog room to find ... Lyla and Mickey chilling in the dog room, being good doggies.

I let the dogs outside and head back up the stairs, thinking we've made it over the last hurdle.

Only to find that in my haste of booking through the door and down the stairs to the dogs, I had missed the pile of cat poop Isabel had left on the rug at the door ... that being the nearest rug to the bathroom she could no longer access. That being a rug that now had cat poop smeared across it and onto the tile from my opening of the door over it.

I freaked, grabbed Isabel and rubbed her nose in it (yeah, I know it probably does no good) and yelled and yelled. Which caused Abigail, our other cat, to yell and yell at Isabel and chase her out of the room. Then I cleaned up poop -- which is far worse than cleaning up chewed up dog beds.

I'm at a loss. I'm sick of chewed up stuff and even more sick of pooping and peeing from a chickenshit cat. Lyla is overcoming her problems; Isabel's are only getting worse.

We're at Day 10. I'm not sure if I will make it another 20 days without booting one or the other of them right out the door!

We are NOT having a very happy holiday season around here!

Regardless, here's ...

Today's question from "The Christmas Conversation Piece":

If you had to choose which animal to murder on Christmas Eve, which would get the ax: the cat or the dog?

HA, HA! That's not really today's question! Here's the real one:

Besides the reindeer, which animal(s) do you associate the most with the Christmas season?

My answer: A donkey ... because he gets down on bended knee at midnight on Christmas Eve, along with all the other barn animals. Right?

Who needs that?

After traveling by plane, train and automobile to see Bubby (the train being the underground one at the airport; I've not reached Amtrak-traveling grandma status yet!), I've decided it may be better that he lives 819 miles away from me. Little kids just take so much out of ya.

For example:

When Megan and I took Bubby to the outlet mall for a little shopping, he wanted to stop and check out the water fountain and the Christmas decorations.

Who needs that? We were trying to get some shopping done.

And little boys require Grandma to be in better shape ... for playing chase in the backyard or pushing him on the ride toy 327 times, shouting "put your feet up, keep your feet up" over and over along the way.

Who needs that?

And when it comes to settling in for a quiet evening of watching television, little kids do things like giggle and grin and make a ruckus when their dog wants attention or they want to read their favorite Elmo Christmas book again and again and again.

Who needs that?

And who needs to take time out of the day to watch Mommy run around the house giving Bubby rides on her shoulders or put everything down to snap shots of a little boy enjoying a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or listen to him babble on about his best buddies, whose photo he's got in his favorite photo book?

Really, who needs that?

And who needs a little boy's fingers reaching under the bathroom door as Grandma's trying to get in the shower, with his giggling and laughing as Grandma reaches down to grab his fingers interrupting an otherwise peaceful morning routine?

Or who needs a little boy to spontaneously lean in and grab Grandma around the waist to give her "love-love" as she pushes him around the crazy aisles of Walmart?

And who needs to have the serving of dinner at the restaurant be put on hold as the server plops the plate in front of the grandbaby and Mom and Dad begin -- without a single word exchanged! -- a gracefully choreographed routine in which Dad grabs the watermelon and begins cutting it into bite-size pieces as Mom nabs the bowl of macaroni and blows and blows to cool it, with Bubby all the while sitting in between the two, swinging his legs and smiling as he patiently waits for the signal to dig in.

C'mon now. Really, who needs that?

I, for one, certainly don't need that.

But ... I want that.

I want to witness those tiny mundane moments that make up a happy home, a happy family. I want to be part of that, especially when it comes to the home and family of my daughter, son-in-law and grandson.

And I did this past weekend. And I'm oh-so thankful to Megan, Preston and Bubby for letting me and Jim join them.

And to show my appreciation, I'll work really hard at being just as patient as Bubby was while waiting for his dinner, as I wait for the next 36 days to pass until my January visit with my favorite little family.

Today's question from "The Christmas Conversation Piece":

If fallen snow had a scent, what scent would you want it to have?

My answer: The smell of sugar cookies baking in the oven. (It would make the shoveling of the darn stuff a little more pleasant, that's for sure!)

Fave photo of the week

My pretty girls, Andie and Brianna, who couldn't make it to

the desert

to celebrate with us this weekend.

Today's question from "The Christmas Conversation Piece":

If all the Christmas gifts you gave away this year had to be homemade by you, what would you be most likely to make?

My answer: Hmmm ... if we're talking of recipients outside my immediate family, I'd say loaves of Chocolate Chip Pumpkin Bread. Those in my immediate family would get beautifully handcrafted ... painstakingly considered ... IOUs ... of some sort.