The 10 commandments for grandmothers

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Commandments for Grandmas.JPG

ONE

Thou shall not put one grandchild above any other grandchild, in favor, gifts, deeds, or attention.

TWO

Thou shall not make for yourself a collection of images taken from the Facebook account, online photo-sharing service, or—heaven forbid—a physical photo album belonging to the parents of the grandchild without asking first.

THREE

Thou shall not take the name of the grandchild’s parents in vain for the manner in which they’re feeding, disciplining, spoiling, raising your grandchild(ren). At least not in front of the children.

FOUR

Remember the Sabbath Day or whatever day may immediately follow a visit with the grandkids. Use it wisely to rest up, for you will surely need to recover from the energy depletion resulting from the constant attention, crafting, joking, cooking, and uncommon physical activity required—and fully enjoyed—while in the presence of a grandson or granddaughter.

FIVE

Honor the father and mother of your grandchildren for in most cases, they really are trying their hardest to do right by the children.

SIX

Thou shall not murder the dietary and bedtime guidelines set forth by the grandchild’s parents. At least not often. And only when chocolate or a request for just one more bedtime story is involved.

SEVEN

Thou shall not commit adult-like expressions that demean the grandchild, no matter how challenging the child may be. Especially at an overdue bedtime—for the child or the grandma. Or during shopping excursions. Or when the little one won’t eat a special something you cooked up just for him or her, snarling and refusing to take even one single nibble because it’s too brown or too red or touching the food next to it.

EIGHT

Thou shall not steal all the time with the grandchild—especially a newborn—from other family members simply because you want to continue loving, touching and squeezing the little one, for others do, too. Volunteer, instead, to change the most stinkily soiled of diapers—something others refuse to do—then take your time doing it. 

NINE

Thou shall not bear false witness against the dog to keep a grandchild from getting in trouble for attempting to dig to China in the front yard or eating the last of the cookies from Mom’s cookie jar.

TEN

Thou shall not covet the time the other grandma has with your grandchildren, even if it’s far more than the time you are allotted. For regarding the moments grandmas and grandchildren share, the quality of the time not the quantity will be most memorably held in the hearts of the grandchildren—and the grandmother.

Today's question:

Which commandment are you most guilty of breaking? (Of the commandments above!)

To my 20-year-old self

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I'm fortunate to be part of a Facebook group of midlife women bloggers, called GenFab (Generation Fabulous). This week we have our first blog hop, posting on "What would you tell your 20-year-old self?" Here is my response, followed by links to the moving posts from my GenFab friends.

Dear 20-year-old Lisa,

You became a mom when still just a child yourself. As you suspect, the age at which you have your three precious daughters (yep, that babe in your belly right now is a girl, too) will affect everything you do and are throughout your life.

That can be a good thing, though—if you allow it.

In hopes you will indeed allow it, I have some advice for you. Despite you being stubborn in ways many have yet to realize, I do hope you'll take my advice to heart, act on it.

My advice is this:

Stop being so scared. You're scared about what's to come, what people think of you, what your girls—hell, what you—will grow up to do and be. You're scared of the other, older moms who seem to know and have and be so much more than you. You're scared of not knowing enough, not having enough, not being enough.

Well knock it off! There's no reason to be scared. Well, there is reason sometimes. But there will soon be an advertising tagline that says, Feel the fear and do it anyway. Do exactly that—always, in all ways.

Question authority. That principal who tells you it's okay to send your barely five-year-old daughter to kindergarten? Question that. That doctor who tells you tubes in a child's ears are a thing of the past? Question that. That same doctor, who tells you your daughter has an infection when it turns out to be a <cuss> hernia? Question that. When you're assured a negative amortization loan is okay, question it. And when an editor rejects your work, question that—then send it to other editors and never. ever. give. up.

Don't take the job. A few years from now, you'll be offered a job by someone you consider worldly and wise. Don't take it. The damage to your self-esteem, marriage and more because of "friends" you make there is so not worth it. Trust me. Yes, your household desperately needs the money, but Just say NO! (another slogan that will soon be a pop culture hit).

Brace yourself. I know you, I know you'll ignore the advice above. So brace yourself. The stress caused by the consequences of that bad choice will wreak havoc on your health in ways that will affect you each and every day for the rest of your life. Seriously. But know this: It's not as bad as doctors first tell you. You will walk again. You will see again. In fact, your neurologist will one day tell you you're a miracle. Trust that doctor. And trust that you will be okay.

Brace yourself, part two. Those little girls you hold in your arms today and the tiny one in your womb? Well, they're going to hate you. They will love you at first, of course. But when they're teens, they will hate you. Or at least think they hate you and make you think they really do. Because you'll be a mean mom and won't allow them to do much of what their friends do. Yet you won't be able to stop the typical teen stuff your girls manage to do anyway. And your disapproval, restrictions, and determination that they respect themselves and their parents—and that they just plain stay alive through the trauma-filled teen years!—will have them screaming, crying, resisting, and swearing they hate you because you are such a mean mom.

Be mean anyway. Regardless of their freakouts and your heartbreak and self doubt, be mean. It's what those girls—what many children—need. One day they will thank you, I swear. In fact, one night 28 years from now, that tiny bundle in your belly, the baby whom you've not yet met, will send you a text (something you'll learn to do decades from now) that says this:

Your baby girl's text—along with similar gratitude from her older sisters, once grown—confirm being mean was one of the most right things you'll do.

Have no doubt, the years ahead will definitely suck at times. But those sucky times will make you stronger, smarter, bring into breathtaking focus the brilliance of the many non-sucky times. Ultimately, you, your marriage (which does last, by the way, despite the challenges, stats, and naysayers), your babies, your eventual grandbabies, your life will turn out far better than you ever imagined.

Even if you don't listen to my advice.

Which I know you won't. Because you've always been far more stubborn than most people realize.

I love you anyway.

~ Your far older and a wee bit wiser self

Today's question:

What would you tell your 20-year-old self?

Please enjoy the heartfelt posts from my GenFab friends. Warning: Tissue alert for most!

The Saturday Post: Women Vote - 'Night of Terror' edition

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It's far too easy to take for granted that women have a voice and a hard-earned right, thanks to what those brave and persistent women before us endured.

Make your voice heard. Exercise your right. Vote!

Find more on women's suffrage on Snopes and Wikipedia.

Enjoy your Saturday — and shout Hooray! for it being the last Saturday we have to endure political commercials!

Family fibber

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My phone rang earlier than usual yesterday morning. Caller ID showed it was Megan.

"Hey there," I answered, a strong What's up? in my tone.

"Hi Gramma," was the response.

"Bubby? Is this Bubby?" I asked. "Did you go trick-or-treating last night?"

"Yeah," he replied rather unenthusiastically. "I called to tell you something, Gramma."

I sat back in my chair, listening closely for his tale of trick-or-treating to come.

"I called to <mumble, mumble, indecipherable mumble> breakfast in bed," my grandson warbled.

"What, Bubby? I couldn't hear you. Say that again."

"I didn't have breakfast in bed, Gramma. I'm sorry I lied to you."

Oh.

Seems the conversation on which yesterday's post was based was all a bunch of baloney, for Bubby had come clean (surely at Mommy's urging): He never had breakfast in bed on his birthday and made up the story he'd told Gramma.

"I'm sorry, Gramma," he offered again.

"Okay, Bubby," I said. "You should never tell stories like that to Gramma."

I wasn't really sure how to respond. Megan made it clear in the past that I'm never to say That's okay when Bubby apologizes for something that is not okay. Simply forgive and move on, is her suggested response—which I'm supposed to follow, as she's the mom in charge.

After a fumbling forgiveness from Gramma, Bubby cut the conversation short with a quick I love you then put Mommy Megan on the phone.

"Sorry, Mom. It never happened," Megan said. "As I read your post, I was thinking What in the world? Then I realized Bubby had lied to you. He did choose Reese's cereal for breakfast—last year for his three-year-old birthday—but not this year. And he never had breakfast in bed."

So it seems we have a little fibber in the family.

Megan and I agreed that such things are pretty common with a four-year-old and no big deal, and that in Bubby's imagination such a marvelous thing did indeed happen, so he was happy to share the exciting (albeit untrue) event with Gramma.

Kind of an eye-opener for Gramma, I must admit. But, lesson learned.

Bubby learned lying to Gramma about the simplest of things isn't a good idea.

Gramma learned writing a post about a conversation with Bubby without first confirming the truth of the tale with Mommy isn't a good idea either.

Today's question:

What's your experience with children telling untrue tales?

The Saturday Post: Letter to my grandchildren edition

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Though the music in the following video is a wee bit, hmmm, tranquil for my taste, I do agree with nearly every one of the sentiments. Especially the mention of leftover meatloaf sandwiches—something I love but know my grandsons have missed out on...so far.


Today's question:

Which of the wishes did you find especially poignant and which (if any) do you disagree with?

Summer break for Grilled Grandmas

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There's likely no busier time than summer, especially when it comes to spending time with the grandkids. Which is why you're not seeing right here, right now a Grilled Grandma—the weekly feature I've posted every Wednesday since introducing readers to Grilled Grandma Liz in October of 2009.

Grandmas are busy women. That became all the more crystal clear for me, a long-distance grandma who doesn't usually spend a lot of time with her grandsons, after my recent week hosting Bubby and Mac. Now I'm finding it hard to have a clear conscience about asking potential grillees to step away from their summer fun with the grandchildren to answer my questions.

So I'm not going to ask those questions anymore. At least not through the rest of the summer. It is officially summer break for the Grilled Grandmas.

That said, I do still have Grilled Grandma wit and wisdom to share. I may not do this every Wednesday in place of the Grilled Grandma feature, but at least this Wednesday—so no one suffers ill effects of going cold turkey—I'm sharing with you a small sampling of responses from the Grilled Grandmas to one of my favorite Grilled Grandma questions.

Here are those answers—with a few photos of Bubby and Mac interjected in between, simply because I took 6,726 (no joke!) during their visit and need to share those any chance I get, as well.

WHAT IS THE MOST CHALLENGING PART OF BEING A GRANDMA?


Remembering my place—I’m not their mom and need to respect my daughter in her role. —Robin

I can’t fit them all on my lap at one time. —Alice

For me it’s the feeling of competition to “keep up” with the other grandparents. It would be very easy for it to turn uncomfortably competitive. —Vicki

Knowing that when I visit them I will have to say goodbye. —Mary

I am concerned about the future—what kind of world we seem to be living in right now, with the economy and the politics of mean-spiritedness. Heck, I worry about those things TODAY, not just for the future. —Olga

The most challenging part is that four different sets of adult parents have very different ideas about child rearing. Trying to avoid stepping on toes is challenging for me. —Kimberly

The most challenging part for me is not giving in to their every command. For the “serious” things I stand strong. But for those little things that it really doesn’t matter, GG let’s them do/have it. —Jules

I was not a perfect parent. So when I see my children doing things I know are not perfect but will do no harm, I am quiet. I save my comments for safety issues and answers to their questions. I am older and I have seen too much, so I could be a huge black cloud. I really do not want to do that. It is a challenge, to say the least. —Barbara

Wanting to keep them from all the bad things yet knowing that it is an impossible task. —Janie

The most challenging part of being a grandma is remembering that your wonderful, caring child IS the parent. —Nita

Working full time and not being able to go to all of their activities. —Connie


The most challenging part for me is trying to divide my time and attention between my three young children and my grandson. I feel like I’m missing out on some of the “full grandmother” experience because I’m young and have little one of my own to care for. I don’t want my grandbaby to feel cheated out of “grandma time,” too. —Kelli

Realizing that I am not as young as I used to be...especially when I get down on the floor to play with them...and, it takes me quite a long time to get back up...as well as lots of moans and groans! —Laurie

Dealing with their parents! I don’t mean that in a bad way—it’s just that they all have their own parenting methods, and I have to remember about what that is for each family! —Angel


Balancing everything. I am also caring for elderly parents and there can be a lot of appointments, health needs, etc. at both ends of the age spectrum. —Kaye

The most challenging thing for me, is on holidays, or special occasions, showing grace and consideration for the exes and the extended family. —Linda

For me it is learning how to just let go and have fun and play. I am still learning how to do that. —Marlene

I haven't met a challenging part yet in being a grandma. —Terri


• To read more responses to this question as well as a plethora of other profundities from the experts in the grandparenting field—the grandmothers—click on over to the Grilled Grandma Archives. •

Today's question:

What is the the biggest challenge you face today in being a grandparent?

The Saturday Post: Shake and fold edition

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We're all adults, and we've all learned lots of complicated things in our long and illustrious lives.

But were we ever taught how to properly use a paper towel?

I know I wasn't; you probably weren't either.

Have no fear, though, for that lesson is here.

Enjoy.

Shake and fold, my friends, shake and fold.

Today's question:

Honestly, how many paper towels do you typically take? (I confess to always taking two...at least.)

To each his own

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Saturday is Baby Mac's first birthday party. You know, the party I won't be going to. Well, yesterday I mailed the birthday gift from PawDad and me to our youngest grandson. Megan called while I was preparing the package for mailing, and I felt compelled to tell her that I was not including something for Bubby in the box.

I realized it was an issue we'd not yet addressed, the even-steven-if-one-gets-something-the-other-gets-something-too conversation, because Bubby had been the one and only child up until his little brother came along nearly a year ago.

"The package is only for Baby Mac," I said. "It's his birthday, not Bubby's, and I won't be including a small gift for Bubby just because Baby Mac gets something."

"That's fine, Mom," she assured me. "That's not how our family rolls."

I was glad to hear that, as that's not the way our family ever rolled, either, when my daughters—Megan included—were young. As is often the case when a young family and new parents (like Megan and Preston) figure out what traditions and practices they will and will not use from their childhood when raising their own kids, I didn't want to assume Megan would do as we did, not as Preston's family did.

I don't know that Preston's family followed the even-steven-amongst-siblings rule. I'm guessing they didn't. But Megan and Preston may have a different philosophy than either of their families of origin, and I thought it important to let Megan know this grandma still doesn't roll that way and doesn't plan on reversing her rolling motion, regardless.

Baby Mac's birthday will be the first occasion that he receives gifts and Bubby doesn't—unlike Christmas and Valentine's Day and Easter. As Megan says, the event "will be interesting" as Bubby gets an important lesson in not being center stage, not being the primary recipient of all the spoils.

Though some might think it harsh, I wasn't willing to give Bubby any spoils on Baby Mac's birthday. Hence the sole gift in the package to the desert family being just for Baby Mac.

Bubby is usually an empathetic little boy, and Baby Mac's party will be his opportunity to realize that empathy includes not only when you feel bad for another, but when you feel good for them, too. Just as I wanted my daughters to empathize with others—especially their sisters—during good times and bad, I want my grandson to learn the same. I want him to be happy for others when good fortune comes their way, to delight in good things happening to those he loves, even when it's something he would oh-so-much love to happen to himself, too.

Jealousy, bitterness, envy, schadenfreude are all such easily learned feelings, attitudes, behaviors. They come naturally, it seems. No one has to teach little boys and girls such concepts, they just simply happen—even if those boys and girls don't know how to define them, what word to attach to them (or how to spell those words, such as schadenfreude, which I still have to look up).

The opposite of such things, though, seemingly must be taught, require lessons. Things such as compassion, goodwill, and sincere delight in another's good fortune.

Sometimes those lessons are learned the hard way.

Sometimes those lessons are learned the easy way—at least incrementally.

And sometimes those lessons are learned by not receiving a gift from Gramma or anyone else when your brother gets one.

It's a new lesson for Bubby, one I hope he accepts, appreciates, and takes to heart without making things too "interesting" for Megan.

I have faith in Bubby and expect it to not be too difficult a lesson for him. Because at his core, Bubby is a kind-hearted kiddo who usually does consider the feelings of others and willingly takes a backseat when necessary.

And because his birthday is just a couple weeks after Baby Mac's. He'll surely take comfort in knowing that Baby Mac will soon get that very same lesson—and at a far younger age than Bubby did.

Today's question:

Was the even-steven-amongst-siblings rule practiced in your family when you were young? What about with your own children? With your grandchildren?